Not trying to start a fanboy riot.. I just thought that this representation of E3 was humorous.
My grandpa has Alzheimer’s so he has no idea who my grandma is but everyday for the last three or four months he brings her in flowers from their garden and asks her to run away with him and be his wife and everyday she says she already is and everyday the smile my grandpa gets on his face is the most beautiful heartfelt thing I have ever seen.
When a man and a woman are in love and get married, they decide to show their love by participating in the most heinous of acts. Sexual intercourse. They turn off all the lights and the man inserts his rod of evil into the woman’s hole of Satan. They must use the missionary position, as it is improper for the male to face the Lord when humping about and making sex faces.
The male thrusts back and forth for nearly a minute until his penis ejaculates seminal fluid into the vaginal cavity. This unleashes several hundred million little spermies all hellbent on finding an egg and making your life a whole lot more expensive. These guys are excellent swimmers too. Once a sperm is in motion it is then officially a spermatozoon. That’s a fun word. Spermatozoooooooon. Spermatozoooooooooooooon.
The millions of spermatozoa (plural of spermatozoooooon) swim their way up the fallopian tubes. They target an egg and ram their spermy little heads into it. Most of them die from head trauma, but sometimes a lucky little tadpole breaks through and takes up residence inside the ovum…creating an embryo.
Depending on your religious beliefs, this is when life begins or it is just a couple of cells that could develop into a wittle baby. If you are a penguin, you really don’t care either way because your brain is unable to comprehend complex concepts.
Once these two parts have bonded, the embryo does its best to attach to the uterine wall so it can begin dividing and conquering the mama’s belly. You must of course feed this little embryo all sorts of strange things. Like pickles and ice cream. Or peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.
Over the next 9 months those two cells divide into billions of cells creating a fetus.
If you take a picture of this fetus inside the tummy, it will look like an alien creature.
This is normal. You do not have an alien baby.
Then the day comes. The amniotic sac ruptures and the fluid is evacuated out of the vagina. Now…they call this “breaking water,” and even though that fluid is mostly water, there are also proteins, carbohydrates, and even a little pee in it. So if she broke water on your couch, I would give that a decent scrubbing after. Or at least turn the cushion over.
Junior is now ready to squeeze his cantaloupe head through the mother’s golf ball vagina. It’s important that the female breathe like an idiot to distract her from this fact. Typically like, “Hee hee hooooo. Hee hee hooooo.” Once she figures out that doesn’t do shit, she will demand drugs. Give them to her.
Her cervix will dilate. This only happens in centimeters, as doctors are too good for inches. Once it gets to the size of a lemon, they encourage the woman to start pushing. If you offer the woman your hand at this point, she will break every bone in it. I suggest putting your arms behind your back and having an encouraging expression on your face. The female may poop a little, try not to notice that.
Soon the baby’s head will emerge and the doctors may use salad tongs to help pull it out. It will be slimy. It will have goo on it. It will be making strange noises. It will be bright pink and otherworldly.
This is normal. You still do not have an alien baby.
The doctor then gives the baby its first dose of corporal punishment and smacks it firmly to induce breathing. The baby will start crying. Get used to that.
If you were to try and trace this process back to the point of origin, I would say that it all starts with the rod of evil. Which is the delivery mechanism for the spermatozooooons. Which are manufactured and stored in the balls.
So, in conclusion, babies come from men’s balls of sacky malevolence.
[Originally created for Slacktory]
Feels good, man.
YUM! The raw and healthy version of a cookie :D
“I tell you what Microsoft, instead of reading my face, why don’t you just read my hand? No need to zoom in. I’m telling ya to f**k off!” - Lewis Black http://on.cc.com/11cdhr9
me in the morning
Alright, if you’re a consumer and you’re considering picking up the new Xbox One console, then please, take a moment to listen to me. Before we begin, no, I am not a fanboy or a hater. I have no console Bias. I have a PS3, Xbox 360, Wii, and a Gaming PC. Each has their pros and cons but now onto business.
DO NOT BUY AN XBOX ONE. Why? See the reasons below:
Xbox Requires an internet connection. Here’s how it works: Every 24 hours your Xbox will try to connect to Microsoft’s servers for verification. If it is unable to connect, sucks to be you. You’re blocked from playing even single player games until it can connect.
Do you like renting games, lending them to a friend, or even borrowing them from a friend? No longer possible. Every Xbox One game you get must be registered to your Xbox live account to be played. After that point it will only work for you. No one else can use it unless they pay a fee. Essentially it works like this. You pick up a used Xbox One game from somewhere or someone, pop it into your console. The system verifies it’s been registered to your account. Uh-oh, it isn’t! In order to play it, you have to pay Microsoft a fee, which is currently slated to be full retail price. Doesn’t matter how scratched up it is or how cheap you got it at gamestop or from a friend. You aren’t just buying the physical copies anymore. You’re paying Microsoft for a LICENSE to be allowed to play that game.
It is worth mentioning Microsoft is exploring ways for you to trade in and resell your used games. This is rumored to mean that you can sell your digital license to play the game (registration) back to microsoft, likely for microsoft points. You can then trade in the game at gamespot for some cash if you like. Either way, as it currently stands, the new owner would still have to pay a fee on top of the price of actually buying the physical copy.
Is it worth mentioning that Microsoft if shafting Indie Developers as well? Where as on Playstation Network or (whatever the Wii has) Indie Developers can self publish their content easily. Playstation even encourages this. Microsoft however forces these Indie Devs to enter publishing deals with them to be allowed to market their content. You don’t go through them, you don’t get to sell what you developed.
I’m not quite done yet! Now, I’m sure you heard a lot about “TV TV TV TV SPORTS TV TV SPORTS SPORTS TV.” Yes, the Xbox is slated to be able to stream live tv, live sports, etc. So let me ask you this. You obviously already have something like cable or DirecTV. Do you really want to shell out hundreds of dollars more and pay a monthly subscription fee to have another television provider? Yes, I said hundreds of dollars, and I don’t mean the cost of the console. To view live TV from the Xbox you are required to purchase ANOTHER separate device for it to work. Why would you even consider shelling out more money for something you already have anyway? Even if you didn’t, DirecTV is cheaper. Or you could even subscribe you Hulu.com and watch live tv on your computer. FOR MUCH CHEAPER. You essentially have to buy another cable box if you don’t have one. And if you do… what do you need the Xbox One for?
So far we’ve discovered that the Xbox One is not really a gaming console, at least… not a consumer friendly gaming console. It’s being marketed as an all-in-one home entertainment system. Something to replace all of the other devices in your house. But there are drawbacks even to that. Put on your tin foil hats for this part folks. Take from it what you will, all I’ll say is… possibilities…
The Xbox One’s features will not function unless the Kinect is plugged in and active. This is not an optional piece anymore.
So imagine your Kinect piece breaks? Tough luck, no more Xbox for you. But you know what’s worse?
Pay attention, because this is important. The Kinect is always watching. Always listening. Even when the system is off.
Yes. One of the ways to turn the system on is to audibly say: “Xbox On” while the system is off. The Kinect, which is always on, hears you and turns it on. Now this might seem like a cool feature, but did you know Microsoft patented a feature that would allow the Kinect’s camera (It’s no longer just a sensor, but a camera) to spy on you for the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America?) While they may not actually do this, it is actually possible for them to do this now. It has a camera, and a microphone. The Kinect is always on. It is ALWAYS listening, ALWAYS watching.
An idea has been tossed around that by using this feature, it will allows game developers and movie produces to set a limited amount of how many people can be allowed to view the entertainment. So as a hypothetical example, you and three friends are watching a movie, which is the maximum allowed. A fourth friend enters the room and the Kinect’s sensor registers the fourth individual. The movie stops and you a prompted to pay a fee so that the extra individual may also view the film. Again, that is NOT currently the case, but these are the ideas currently being tossed around with the system’s current capabilities.
Source for listening: http://www.theverge.com/2013/5/21/4352596/the-xbox-one-is-always-listening
Source of spying: http://www.extremetech.com/gaming/139706-microsofts-new-kinect-patent-goes-big-brother-will-spy-on-you-for-the-mpaa
Now, just two more things and I’ll be done here!
This isn’t really a good or bad thing, but it’s annoying. It also explains how they can prevent you from playing a used game if you didn’t pay their fee. Xbox one no longer plays games off the discs, you HAVE to install them to the hard-drive in order to play them. I believe PS3 also has you do this (on a number of games but not always it seems), except that PS3 isn’t trying to Nickle and Dime you at every corner. It also seems according to this article there is something related to the Online portion at the beginning of this post. The option is there for Developers to require the Xbox to always be online to play their particular game. Well, it seems PC gamers and console gamers have one thing in common now… DRM.
(At least pirates on PC can bypass DRM easily. Not an option for Consoles.)
And last but not least, another annoyance… Xbox One will not be compatible with any and all current headsets. Nope, companies will either have to make new headsets altogether specifically for the Xbox One, and they have to adhere to what Microsoft wants. Look forward to price gouging.
Oh, one more thing… If you have an Xbox 360, don’t get rid of it. Why? Well if you want to keep playing your old 360 games you’ll need it. The Xbox One isn’t backwards compatible. At all. Not only that, but President of Microsoft’s Xbox Division Don Mattrick insults the very notion of backwards compatibility! He calls it: “Backwards thinking.”
Source of insult: http://www.polygon.com/2013/5/22/4355984/xbox-one-backward-compatibility-backwards-thinking-don-mattrick
That is all I have to say currently folks, and I hope you took the time to read this far. I’ll conclude with the following… please… PLEASE do not buy this console. Paying for this supports greedy and anti-consumer business practices. Speak with your wallet, and pass up the Xbox One. No matter what games it might have that you want, even if they are exclusive. Do the right thing and make a statement. Refuse to be nickle and dimed like this. Refuse to be seen as a mindless consumer who will buy anything tossed to them.
We won’t know much else until after E3, but as it stands now, the PS4 or a decent gaming PC is the best way to go.
If you are willing to do so, please spread this post around. Liking is not even remotely necessary, but do please share it if you agree with and acknowledge what you’ve read here. The more people know, the fewer of them waste their money.
Thank you, kindly.
(Originally posted on Facebook by one of my friends. He brings up many valid points. Mind you, I haven’t been a fan of Xbox in a long time and I will most likely get a PS4. But this confirms further for me that I won’t be getting an Xbox one any time in the foreseeable future.)
So it looks like I’m back to sticking with Nintendo this next console generation. The PS4 doesn’t interest me and the Xbox One seems downright stupid (I don’t mind it being more than a console. The problem is what else it does). The Wii U might have a lot of detractors and problems of it’s own, but fuck it; we are well past the point where graphical upgrades can be remotely meaningful to me and I actually like the Wii U’s controller.
Normally this blog isn’t intended for this sort of post, but somehow I feel this is important.
Why not a second one (there’s another giveaway with a Doctor Who necklace ending at the end of May)! For celebrating the end of season great, I am returning a classic from the shop featuring homage to what is important to the Winchesters featuring the impala, a vial of salt, an angelic and the pentagram with bobby’s cap.
I’m one winner this time, at random! This is open to everyone! That means I ship international tooooo c:
- You may reblog as many times as you wish!
- LIKES DO COUNT!
- Reblog ONLY with your main blog
- You don’t have to follow me (but that’ll be very sweet of you though!)
- Giveaway ends JUNE 20TH, 2013 @ 11PM EST
- I’ll be messaging the winner :)
(p.s. The necklace can be bought from the Etsy shop)
(p.s. #2 if ordering, make sure you read the announcements of the shop)
¤ My name is Amanda.|
¤ I'm 21.
¤ I Love My Boyfriend.
¤ This blog has no theme whatsoever.
¤ My other ones however, do:
RISK it; PLAY it; LOVE it
*if it isn't tagged: "#mine" then it isn't and I won't try to take credit for it*